bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
