When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
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She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
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That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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