The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
