Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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