The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
