So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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