I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
