Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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