The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
