your thong is hanging out like whoa
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
