I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
