I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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