There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
