If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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