a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
