i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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