We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
