My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
