my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
she told me i tasted like america
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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