just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
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