Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
