apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
