There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
