The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
