tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
