I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
