She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
