is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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