i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
