I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
