I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
third nipple confirmed
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
