Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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