He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
