Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
