You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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