o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Randomize
