i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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