I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
