I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
