you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
