apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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