We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
