Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
