I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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