went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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