Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
