Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
