Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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