I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
