god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
