I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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