I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
