I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
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