We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Randomize
