So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
