I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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