ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
