she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
