drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Holy shit dude........stairs
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
