Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
