well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
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