My sheets look like a crime scene.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
3 2 1 whiskey
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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