I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Randomize
